Stop Up the Pen

Stop up the pen
Put it down
Nothing you say is worthy now
Useless words, empty lies
All my words have gone to die

I cannot say what here below
Has got me so hidden and flown
Who took my words and hid them from me?
Tell me if there was someone to be seen

So I stop up the pen and put it down
Nothing said is to be endowed
Useless pen, forget your tries
For all my words have gone and died

love

love
     means life
death ends in glory
                       for some
                                few
                                   little
          many die
          many live
few understand
                          love
            like you mean it
                          die
            like you're just beginning
                          live life
            like it's ending

Not the One I Would Have Picked

Load your guns, release your cry
Enter the fray and pray it's a lie
Stand your ground, clench your fists
Hope the enemy soon desists

I choose my battles carefully
Holding back until I can see
What I fight and where I stand
What weapons are in their hand

In this battle that I now fight
Against the force that threatens the light
Gathering support, seeing the divide
Weighs on my heart and suffers my pride

I loathe the battle, despise the war
Though I know what I fight for
My love, my life, my judgment call
These are the things for which I will fall

Tell Me I'm Losing My Mind

I'm fighting for the way I want it to be
Forgetting all those words you'd never hear
And when I fall to my knees in regret
Maybe I'll find that I was right all along

Tell me I'm losing my mind
When I imagine my mistakes in front of me
Tell me we'll get it all right
When we find that what we needed was all that we can see

I'm trying to find my way around this path
Searching for the signs I made for myself
And when I fall to my knees in despair
Maybe I'll find that I was right all along

Tell me I'm losing my mind
When I imagine the darkness inside of me
Tell me we'll get it all right
When we find that what we wanted was all that we need

I'm screaming for release from all that sees
Straining for freedom, hope, and peace
And when I fall to my knees in relief
Maybe I'll find that you were right all along

My Heart Tries to Speak

I wait for time to catch up with my heart
I wait for the time we'll never be apart
Seeing what we could be
Seeing in you what I think I need

Someone told me to guard my heart
Someone else broke it apart
You're putting it back together
You're gaining access untethered

All the time I waited
Seems so insignificant now
To all the time to come

These words are weak
To what I picture
Our life together

I hate this not expressing
My love for you
Words can't be strung together sufficiently

I want to hold you forever
You read my mind
I don't see how you could be this amazing
You make me feel wanted
I waited for so long and yet was still surprised when you showed up and I gave you my heart
I'm surprised every day by you
We know what we want, and we want each other
I thank God profusely for you
I want you

I love you

Turn Me Around

Stop me right here
Turn me around
Prick my ears to hear
My heartbeat, a sound

From where does it come?
And where does it go?
If I don't find it now
I fear I'll never know

Lay before me unhindered
My thoughts and my fears
Test me down, turn me around
If all I head for is tears

Take all that I wanted
And tell me it's true
That all that I wanted
Is ever only in you

Tell me I'm not the only one
Who worries and frets and dies
Daily thinking I've got it all wrong
That I'm the only one who cries

Myself, the one I can't trust
The one who has hurt me the most
I'm tired of being the only one
To bring the pain I boast

So turn me around
To face the truth
All my faith, all my trust
Was lost in my years of youth

Open Your Eyes

Why do you keep trying?
Trying to keep alive what you killed long ago?
All your plots failed
Yet you keep trying

You could have fled
Saved yourself and your sanity
Instead you stayed
And now stand against them all

Against the standards
Screaming for liberation
When you have the choice
To run free - but.you.stay

Do you see this?
Do you see the problem?
Do you see yourself?
Do you see where this all goes wrong?

I want more for you
I know you can be more
But you're focused on being that person
And I can't pull you out

This is yours to handle - and yours to let go

Fall With Me

As I fall deeper
I search for something to stop me
Stop this free fall
Hoping nothing appears

Apprehension - yes
Falling is meant to be scary
Meant to give you pause
That's why it is not to be taken lightly

I am not taking this lightly
I realize what is at stake
But I will give what is required
If only you fall with me

Awaiting Away

Can't drag my mind away
Daydreaming, nightwishing
I'd never be away from you

If I had a choice, if there weren't places to go
I don't think I would
Not enough time with you
Too much time away

I wait for your words
Calling me back
And your kiss on the head
Before you fade into the black

Sometimes I dread the future
Knowing we will be apart
Hating that fuzzy depth
Of being away from Home

I'm trying to trust
Wait it all out
See what God wants of us
Avoiding the doubt

Kiss me again, never let go
It may be presumptuous but I'm praying
You're all I'll ever know

Even When You're Gone

I can feel your lips on mine
A constant pressure
Almost a soreness

I can feel your tongue in my mouth
Adding flavor
Dancing with mine

I can smell you on my shirt
You're still with me
Even when you're gone

Where Have You Gone

I can picture you walking amidst the smoke
Adding to it yourself
With a drink in the other hand
Eyes looking for another comfort

I understand searching
And wanting something more
But I never understood
Why you looked right past the door

This movie in my head
Is sad and incomplete
Can I change the story now?
Can I change you?

Somewhere along the way, you were lost
Or maybe you were found
Do you know? Really?
Submersion got you nowhere but drowned

You're hurting, it's plain
I wish I could take it away
But I know how this works
You get through it, not over it

Pain does sit on a shelf
A trophy? Or a souvenir?
Something to take down and wear like an old coat
So familiar

You are your own person
But no human is to be trusted with its own well-being
We fail and fall
We are all crazy, expecting different results from the same actions

Turn back, come back
Take some time away
From all that calms and all that kisses
All that's not here to stay

My Heart

Here it comes again
That pressure, confinement
Intermittent claustrophobia
When I expect or not

My heart begins to ache
Trying to contain all of myself
My eyes see what I have not
Misting with loneliness

I don't belong to me
Floating aimlessly
I wait for someone
To sail with me purposely

Someone once taught me
To miss things I'd never had
I miss them now
And each time I wake up

Looking where it's not wanted
Flying from those who do
Keep getting wrong and
No one will be left to choose

I was born to be loved
And loved I am, true
But my heart is not full
Not fully shared

I can't carry it all
It longs to burst forth
But fear and pain
Hold me back, lock the doors

Someone will break through
Forcefully, if needed
Break down my walls
Claim the heart

That's never been mine

Crush

Silly, flirting
Is this adult-like?
Does it matter?
Isn't that the point?

I wonder if you see me
As I see you
I'm afraid to read it
Afraid to read it wrong
So I wait

You're cute, I'm not
You're genius, I'm not
You're real, I don't know what it means

Funny how this works
Not him, but you
Would it be easier if our parents worked this out?
Court me!

Instead it's online, text
Hints and clues
No note delivered by servants
"How I adore you!"

Stage fright?
Possible
Clueless?
Most likely
The one I want?
Oh yes

For now ;)

Exhaustion and Running Away

I have nothing left
To keep me going - to keep me sane
All that has a hold on me
Is easy to let go

I'm here but not - tired and fraught
My mind constantly elsewhere
So much apathy
Turned the tables

Who I've been hates who I am
And who I am doesn't want this
My eyes drift
Searching for what I'm missing

I have no faith in you
You've all let me down
I've no faith in myself
I've let you all down

Pressure - too much
Staying - too hard
Myself - too weak
To hold on for long

I am not a good friend
I finally admit
So when you leave me
Know that I expected it

About Reaching Out

Always this distance
Sometimes a bridge
I can't choose to cross
And I've got no help deciding

You walk right by
With the weight of your choice
As I sit here and wonder
If you feel it like I do

And it's always the same
Another person I can't touch
Another reason to back away
Fear - Disbelief - Past - Present

Isolated surrounded
Everyone feels it sometimes
Mine seems eternal
I am fully dedicated to it

Can't break out
Don't reach out
Another pain awaits
Stretching my heart again

Every scar, every tear
Comes with a lesson
And I don't care to try again
I've found that I don't have the strength to

So Young, So Old

Years go by, I watch them pass
And wonder silently when the parade will end
I'm old enough to know the time will come
But young enough to forget

Not an adult, not ready for responsibility
But with the weight of the world on my shoulders
A burden I take subconsciously, determinedly
Knowing I can't fulfill what my heart desires

There is so much I have learned
So much more yet to learn
About the nature of humanity
About who I am, who God wants me to be

Sometimes I feel my age weighing me down
Then feel the years ahead me, so scary - unknown
Too much to handle, the scars of the present
And the vast, unsure, painful, and happy future

Your Manual

So much information
No one knows
Only me, and I don't let it show

When I cry, I can't talk
Just hold me tight
Wait it out, and I'll be alright

I'm pessimistic
With a tendency to sink
Listen to my fears, and tell me what you think

I can't stand hidden truths
Nor outright lies
Give me truth every time, and mistrust within me dies

I'm worried I'm too much to handle
Cause I don't understand myself
Let me know you think I'm worth it, and I'll give you all of myself

I'm over and melodramatic
I make it more than it is
Bring my feet to the ground, and remind me this is what is

I've no self-discipline
I can be lazy as hell
But give me something I love, and I'll always do it well

I have a past that haunts me
Controls what I do
Help me break free, and there's no stopping you

There's so much more
I wish I could tell you
To help you along, and me not scare away you

But I think I want you to figure out
All these things on your own
For things discovered hold power, and you need power over your own

Waiting

Then he's gone
Another one dropped from radar
A valid reason, not the season
No matter what I would like to believe

I get so tired
Of being disappointed
Of being passed over
Of being alone

The day I stop waiting
Will be the day he rides up on a white horse
So I wait for that day
The Catch-22 of waiting

I don't know what it means
When they fall through
Is it something with me
Or all to do with You?

I'm looking for a physical manifestation of the love You have for me
Is that not how it is to be?

He should sweep me off my feet
hold me like his life depends on it
look at me with fire in his eyes
understand all that I never say
push me to do better
know that sometimes I don't know why I cry
see all that is good and bad within me
love me despite my flaws and maybe sometimes because of them
talk to me like there's no one else in the room
lead me in walking with our God
be unafraid to tell me what I need to hear
remind me that there is more to this life than disappointment, heartache, regret, and hatred

I believe it's worth waiting for

Wordless Joy

This is why I'm here
This happiness, this joy
When it doesn't make sense
But it's okay with me

And it's funny how it changes
So quickly, so fast
I'm almost reeling
From the all-consuming blast

From despair to ecstasy
So deep, then so high
Words come easy for the first
But seem to slip away for the new

What is the reason for joy being so
So indescribable, so beyond words
Even though sadness elevates appreciation
Joy surprises and leaves me speechless

Shower Tears

Crying in the shower
Makes me feel
Like my tears are weightless
It lessens the pain of release

My strangled voice
Groaned and pleaded
Begging God for it to be a lie
Untrue revelation

When my world crashed
It fell on me in a thousand drops
Strangely soothing
But still heartbreaking

But you won't see it
This burden, this realized fear
I tried to let it go
Along with the dead, down the drain