College

Many smiles, many laughs

And a hundred tears cried for each

Lots of friends, lots of love

And two losses for every three gained

What is to be said

To all I'll leave behind

When I say goodbye

Who will be mourning by my side

Take the good with the bad

Don't worry, I will

But every good I see

Is overshadowed by bad possibilities

Fear has become ingrained 

You all have me trained

To see loss in what I gained

My heart is purely pained

Is it okay that I believe

Despite all your declarations

Disregarding your claims

These are the worst four years of my life

Continuing Fear

It won't stop

This subconscious awareness

Of what it could be

Of what they could say

Of what I could be seen as

I push you away

Because the memory is fresh

Will it always be?

I say it will

I am caught in a cage

With only one window

The only view -

The never-sleeping eye 

Of humanity

Walking away

Seems so easy now

I guess I've had plenty of practice

If I don't know where it started, how will it ever end?

Turn my back again

Knowing that you care

This intimacy you desire

Is something I won't dare

I Am Waiting

I am waiting

For the man I don't have to think about

The one who doesn't have to be pointed out

The one who doesn't make me fear and doubt

I am waiting

For the man I don't hide tears from

The one who doesn't find emotions fearsome

The one who doesn't have to be asked to come

I am waiting

For the man I don't hesitate to give my heart to

The one who doesn't demand but simply asks for truth

The one who doesn't forget what we've been through

I've waited a while, and will wait longer still

Whatever it takes, I will be patient until

God sends me this man, just the one for me

I wait, knowing he will be true to me

Dancing On Glass

I see what's happened before
Constantly flashing through my brain
Leaves me feeling...anxious...worried
Maybe I'm doing it again

Can't mess up, holding so tight
To what I know is to be given
But I have to be careful, have to stand back
Don't I?

Afraid to dive in, jump without looking
I look and can't see the bottom
Where does this even start?
Driving without lines, running without paths

Is this what it means
To have you search for my heart
My main concern is that
You'll be helping me find it

Comedy or Tragedy?

A pessimistic heart
Looking for joy
When surrounded by misery
Seems so futile

All I see is pain
All I've felt is hurt
Sometimes all the bad
Drowns out all the good

Bitterness lies deep
And it grows even deeper
Tears unstaunched
What keeps me here

Cling to memory
Memory of hope
In Salvation
In God alone

To fight for joy
Appears the only path
Counting myself a warrior
Beating Satan back

Although it was given
I couldn't deserve it less
Joy in life all around
Before rejected, despair embraced

Becase it's easier
To hold onto tears
Follow their path
Taste their fear

A smile, it fleets
Somehow gaseous
Without taste or smell
Only special people see

Joy and sadness
Inevitably intertwined
Ultimately I believe
Both are divine

How Things Change and Stay the Same

Turning tables
Wandering fables
Cast upon you
Like so many wet towels

Hypocritical, it seems
How do you see it now?
You're on the other side
But it is no falsehood

I could speak in riddles
I could speak in rhyme
But this is burning me to the core
And for those I waste no time

Why did you speak against what you knew nothing about?
Now...

Now it is you
Who is your Achilles?
It appears to be yourself

I could be angry, for I have every right
In another's eyes
I wonder how another would feel

You burned me with lies
Now you burn by truth I did not even deal

So what now?


I pity you

You are entangled
And I wish I could rescue you
But I'm not sure how and...somehow...
I don't think you want to be saved from this

I have no anger for you
Only pity and love
Maybe pity is not what you want
But it cried out from my heart
When I understood your downfall

And so I will pray
Pray for you
Pray that you will see
Pray that God will lift you up
Pray that He does what He did for me

I Miss You Now

All the words I couldn't say
You always seemed to hear
You've listened to how many fears
And seen too many a tear

I took you for granted
Got caught in myself
For some reason you stayed
After all others left

You stood by and let me live
Although you had much to give
I didn't find until the end
That you were the true friend

What have I done?
Why did I do this?
It is my fault, and I own to it all
Although you caught me, I let you fall

I questioned you, I turned away
Despite the vow I gave
Because of that, I threw away
All there was to save

I pray that you read this
Maybe understand why
With all the words I wanted to say
Somehow the river ran dry

So it seems childish now
To reach out for you
But I'm at that point again
I've nothing left to do

No one else listens
No one knows me as well
No one else will understand
This pain, this cross - my hell

But here I am, again
Using you for what I can
Every time that I go down
You're my backup plan

When I cannot eat
And sleep too much
When I can't say
And I can't touch

The sad story is
There's no other how
Forgive me or not
I miss you now