Crush

Silly, flirting
Is this adult-like?
Does it matter?
Isn't that the point?

I wonder if you see me
As I see you
I'm afraid to read it
Afraid to read it wrong
So I wait

You're cute, I'm not
You're genius, I'm not
You're real, I don't know what it means

Funny how this works
Not him, but you
Would it be easier if our parents worked this out?
Court me!

Instead it's online, text
Hints and clues
No note delivered by servants
"How I adore you!"

Stage fright?
Possible
Clueless?
Most likely
The one I want?
Oh yes

For now ;)

Exhaustion and Running Away

I have nothing left
To keep me going - to keep me sane
All that has a hold on me
Is easy to let go

I'm here but not - tired and fraught
My mind constantly elsewhere
So much apathy
Turned the tables

Who I've been hates who I am
And who I am doesn't want this
My eyes drift
Searching for what I'm missing

I have no faith in you
You've all let me down
I've no faith in myself
I've let you all down

Pressure - too much
Staying - too hard
Myself - too weak
To hold on for long

I am not a good friend
I finally admit
So when you leave me
Know that I expected it

About Reaching Out

Always this distance
Sometimes a bridge
I can't choose to cross
And I've got no help deciding

You walk right by
With the weight of your choice
As I sit here and wonder
If you feel it like I do

And it's always the same
Another person I can't touch
Another reason to back away
Fear - Disbelief - Past - Present

Isolated surrounded
Everyone feels it sometimes
Mine seems eternal
I am fully dedicated to it

Can't break out
Don't reach out
Another pain awaits
Stretching my heart again

Every scar, every tear
Comes with a lesson
And I don't care to try again
I've found that I don't have the strength to

So Young, So Old

Years go by, I watch them pass
And wonder silently when the parade will end
I'm old enough to know the time will come
But young enough to forget

Not an adult, not ready for responsibility
But with the weight of the world on my shoulders
A burden I take subconsciously, determinedly
Knowing I can't fulfill what my heart desires

There is so much I have learned
So much more yet to learn
About the nature of humanity
About who I am, who God wants me to be

Sometimes I feel my age weighing me down
Then feel the years ahead me, so scary - unknown
Too much to handle, the scars of the present
And the vast, unsure, painful, and happy future

Your Manual

So much information
No one knows
Only me, and I don't let it show

When I cry, I can't talk
Just hold me tight
Wait it out, and I'll be alright

I'm pessimistic
With a tendency to sink
Listen to my fears, and tell me what you think

I can't stand hidden truths
Nor outright lies
Give me truth every time, and mistrust within me dies

I'm worried I'm too much to handle
Cause I don't understand myself
Let me know you think I'm worth it, and I'll give you all of myself

I'm over and melodramatic
I make it more than it is
Bring my feet to the ground, and remind me this is what is

I've no self-discipline
I can be lazy as hell
But give me something I love, and I'll always do it well

I have a past that haunts me
Controls what I do
Help me break free, and there's no stopping you

There's so much more
I wish I could tell you
To help you along, and me not scare away you

But I think I want you to figure out
All these things on your own
For things discovered hold power, and you need power over your own

Waiting

Then he's gone
Another one dropped from radar
A valid reason, not the season
No matter what I would like to believe

I get so tired
Of being disappointed
Of being passed over
Of being alone

The day I stop waiting
Will be the day he rides up on a white horse
So I wait for that day
The Catch-22 of waiting

I don't know what it means
When they fall through
Is it something with me
Or all to do with You?

I'm looking for a physical manifestation of the love You have for me
Is that not how it is to be?

He should sweep me off my feet
hold me like his life depends on it
look at me with fire in his eyes
understand all that I never say
push me to do better
know that sometimes I don't know why I cry
see all that is good and bad within me
love me despite my flaws and maybe sometimes because of them
talk to me like there's no one else in the room
lead me in walking with our God
be unafraid to tell me what I need to hear
remind me that there is more to this life than disappointment, heartache, regret, and hatred

I believe it's worth waiting for

Wordless Joy

This is why I'm here
This happiness, this joy
When it doesn't make sense
But it's okay with me

And it's funny how it changes
So quickly, so fast
I'm almost reeling
From the all-consuming blast

From despair to ecstasy
So deep, then so high
Words come easy for the first
But seem to slip away for the new

What is the reason for joy being so
So indescribable, so beyond words
Even though sadness elevates appreciation
Joy surprises and leaves me speechless

Shower Tears

Crying in the shower
Makes me feel
Like my tears are weightless
It lessens the pain of release

My strangled voice
Groaned and pleaded
Begging God for it to be a lie
Untrue revelation

When my world crashed
It fell on me in a thousand drops
Strangely soothing
But still heartbreaking

But you won't see it
This burden, this realized fear
I tried to let it go
Along with the dead, down the drain

Not Wishing

Beautiful sun, clouds
In a surprising part of the country
Sunsets inspire
I dare to desire

Something in the eyes
Puts me off-balance
So long gone from the scene
Hesitant to take of the chalice

So much to wish for
I can't choose one
So I never wish
Because I can't make up my mind

I wish that we all saw beauty
In each day we call life
It would be all too much
If we understood what it meant for us to still breathe

I wish I could find my love
But that gets me to thinking it's you
And what if it's not?
I am left holding on to hope - blind

I wish for them to be happy
The ones I loved and left
The ones who left and I still want to hold
The one, my last

I wish I would be heard
But I'm not sure I want that fully
So many things not to be told
Take them away, I've nothing to hold

So please don't ask me to wish
It's obviously too much to handle
Too much to think about, to shout it out
The wind would expire the candle

Let Me Go

Let me go
Stop this game of give and take
Giving me hope for true reconciliation
Taking that hope and dashing it to pieces

Do you know what you're doing to me?
Do you care? Do you want to?

I wish I could say you're not worth it and mean it
But I know you are
You're just hiding behind a facade of nonchalance
I know you're better than this

damn you for dragging me along
For changing your mind, pushing me away
Again

So tired of this
When I still care but can't show it
When you get scared because I show it
When you can't take that you know it

I want to help you
You obviously don't want it
If so, I will try to stop
I will try to quit you

I pray that someone takes my place
Someone who cares even more than I
And knows who you are, who you can be
This is my place no longer, you've wanted me out this whole time

So let me go, let me live
My own life without your cares
I can't have all that I want
Because for all that I want you, you want me gone

So let me go

No Escape

No end with new beginnings
Same face in new dreams
No words to bring you back
Same failings in this war

Stretched out hand - rejected
Faithful love - deflected
I would give you all I had
If I thought you would take it

Sides to choose, battles to lose
Fight on my side or don't fight at all
I've tried to stay steady, hopeful, and true
But each battle lost rips the old scars anew

Loose me! I demand
But what can you do
When all that I am
Is so caught up in you

I'm not letting go
It appears that I can't
Slowly and surely
Damn this decant

Night Visions

Night visions survive the day

And I wonder if it's how it should stay

I know better, I want more

But when it's in my dreams I'm unsure

This feeling that lingers

I want it to keep

Keep me wishing, hoping

But there's nothing there

Nothing real

What could it mean?

Outrageous fantasy...

Or secret desire?

Scenes not to be repeated

Remember how quickly they have fleeted

How I will run away

When night visions penetrate the day

College

Many smiles, many laughs

And a hundred tears cried for each

Lots of friends, lots of love

And two losses for every three gained

What is to be said

To all I'll leave behind

When I say goodbye

Who will be mourning by my side

Take the good with the bad

Don't worry, I will

But every good I see

Is overshadowed by bad possibilities

Fear has become ingrained 

You all have me trained

To see loss in what I gained

My heart is purely pained

Is it okay that I believe

Despite all your declarations

Disregarding your claims

These are the worst four years of my life

Continuing Fear

It won't stop

This subconscious awareness

Of what it could be

Of what they could say

Of what I could be seen as

I push you away

Because the memory is fresh

Will it always be?

I say it will

I am caught in a cage

With only one window

The only view -

The never-sleeping eye 

Of humanity

Walking away

Seems so easy now

I guess I've had plenty of practice

If I don't know where it started, how will it ever end?

Turn my back again

Knowing that you care

This intimacy you desire

Is something I won't dare

I Am Waiting

I am waiting

For the man I don't have to think about

The one who doesn't have to be pointed out

The one who doesn't make me fear and doubt

I am waiting

For the man I don't hide tears from

The one who doesn't find emotions fearsome

The one who doesn't have to be asked to come

I am waiting

For the man I don't hesitate to give my heart to

The one who doesn't demand but simply asks for truth

The one who doesn't forget what we've been through

I've waited a while, and will wait longer still

Whatever it takes, I will be patient until

God sends me this man, just the one for me

I wait, knowing he will be true to me

Dancing On Glass

I see what's happened before
Constantly flashing through my brain
Leaves me feeling...anxious...worried
Maybe I'm doing it again

Can't mess up, holding so tight
To what I know is to be given
But I have to be careful, have to stand back
Don't I?

Afraid to dive in, jump without looking
I look and can't see the bottom
Where does this even start?
Driving without lines, running without paths

Is this what it means
To have you search for my heart
My main concern is that
You'll be helping me find it

Comedy or Tragedy?

A pessimistic heart
Looking for joy
When surrounded by misery
Seems so futile

All I see is pain
All I've felt is hurt
Sometimes all the bad
Drowns out all the good

Bitterness lies deep
And it grows even deeper
Tears unstaunched
What keeps me here

Cling to memory
Memory of hope
In Salvation
In God alone

To fight for joy
Appears the only path
Counting myself a warrior
Beating Satan back

Although it was given
I couldn't deserve it less
Joy in life all around
Before rejected, despair embraced

Becase it's easier
To hold onto tears
Follow their path
Taste their fear

A smile, it fleets
Somehow gaseous
Without taste or smell
Only special people see

Joy and sadness
Inevitably intertwined
Ultimately I believe
Both are divine