How Things Change and Stay the Same

Turning tables
Wandering fables
Cast upon you
Like so many wet towels

Hypocritical, it seems
How do you see it now?
You're on the other side
But it is no falsehood

I could speak in riddles
I could speak in rhyme
But this is burning me to the core
And for those I waste no time

Why did you speak against what you knew nothing about?
Now...

Now it is you
Who is your Achilles?
It appears to be yourself

I could be angry, for I have every right
In another's eyes
I wonder how another would feel

You burned me with lies
Now you burn by truth I did not even deal

So what now?


I pity you

You are entangled
And I wish I could rescue you
But I'm not sure how and...somehow...
I don't think you want to be saved from this

I have no anger for you
Only pity and love
Maybe pity is not what you want
But it cried out from my heart
When I understood your downfall

And so I will pray
Pray for you
Pray that you will see
Pray that God will lift you up
Pray that He does what He did for me

I Miss You Now

All the words I couldn't say
You always seemed to hear
You've listened to how many fears
And seen too many a tear

I took you for granted
Got caught in myself
For some reason you stayed
After all others left

You stood by and let me live
Although you had much to give
I didn't find until the end
That you were the true friend

What have I done?
Why did I do this?
It is my fault, and I own to it all
Although you caught me, I let you fall

I questioned you, I turned away
Despite the vow I gave
Because of that, I threw away
All there was to save

I pray that you read this
Maybe understand why
With all the words I wanted to say
Somehow the river ran dry

So it seems childish now
To reach out for you
But I'm at that point again
I've nothing left to do

No one else listens
No one knows me as well
No one else will understand
This pain, this cross - my hell

But here I am, again
Using you for what I can
Every time that I go down
You're my backup plan

When I cannot eat
And sleep too much
When I can't say
And I can't touch

The sad story is
There's no other how
Forgive me or not
I miss you now

Isolation Tank

What am I to do with myself
Sometimes I get so lost
I wonder if this is something I'll get over
Or another thing I need to fix

But fixing things always messes me up
I try too hard, hold on too long
My thoughts forever on overdrive
A train I can't slow down or jump

Sitting in the dark alone, searching for...
Searching for what?

Once surefooted, now scrabbling for ground
Reaching, straining, there's no one around
All that I had was all that I needed
And all that I was did not go unheeded
What did I lose that throws me down now
What cuts me down and fills me with doubt?

Words that I can't say, words no one hears
I'm in a forest falling
When everyone turns and nobody cares
No one hears me call

So many things I know could save me now
But I'm in this place for a moment
This place of downhill and downhearted
And right now I'm sitting

Some day I will stand and reach for Your hand
But I'm not ready yet
And I can't offer what I don't have

Remorse

Surrender


I trust that You will wait
Just like You always have
I pray the day doesn't come
When I simply can't let go

lies

Just one
That's all I want to hear
Coming from your lips

truth

But all I get
More and more
As you pull away even farther

LIE

You hate what you give
You ask for what you do not deserve
Because you only want immediacy

I could be someone for forever
You could be someone I talk to
But how can that be when I
When I cannot trust a thing you say

I am not here for your use alone
I am not someone you throw away
Because, like you, I am a person
And, like you, I have my emotions

I will not be treaded on
And I will no longer be fooled
By the smile you wear
Or the crown you bear

I pity you
Sad, shallow creature
Maybe you will one day see
Because of lies, you lost me

Let Me

What do you think?
I'm backing out
Can't take the pressure
No working hard for me

Like it's easy to just switch
I'm not thinking about every aspect
I just want an easier path
I just want to get done

Do you not realize?
Every day I worry
Am I doing the right thing?
What if I'm wrong?

Every minute I sit in torture
Wondering if I am being weak
By trying to get away
By doing something different

I was wrong before
What makes me think I'm not this time
Nothing
Nothing at all

There is every possibility
That I've screwed up again
But let me do it
Let me make this maybe mistake

Don't think I haven't thought
Don't think I haven't freaked out constantly
That I'm just jumping away and in
That I have no clue

Because maybe I don't
But I'm trying to figure it out
Please! Let me do this
If I am screwing up my life

Just let me

But I know you care
You just don't always show it
The way I want you to
The way I see it

You have to trust me
Because I don't trust myself
And someone needs to
If I'm going to survive

Your mind is set
But so is mine
Please listen
Let me speak my piece

Because maybe I'm right
This path I'm on is not for me
Another is my destiny
But it's something I can't see

I'm trusting in God
To pull me through whatever
So please trust in me
Let me do whatever

Back to the Beginning

When I don't know what to write
Shall I write what I don't know?
Or maybe that which bothers me most
Even the future seems possible

As to that of which I do not know
It is what rattles me deep
For I know nothing of the future
Therefore all connected are they

But what does it mean to know
Cause it all seems so shaky
When the future doesn't look all clear
And the path is never straight
Makes it hard to see ahead
Always looking around a curve

But thank God I have Someone steady
Someone pure and true
Someone who knows it all
And gives of what is needed

Someone who doesn't hesitate
To tell me when I'm wrong
Someone who wants to set me straight
When I tend to lose my way

Someone who won't walk away
And waits for me when I do
Thinking of everyone - they've all let me down
I thank You, Lord, that I have You

What Is At Stake

I don't understand
Where did the beginning go
And why does it always end so badly?

I was there once
Full trust is -
Open chest, cut here
Disappointment reigns

You want me to think the best
But I've been proven too many times wrong
I want to believe you
But you didn't give me the benefit of the doubt
So I doubt

Is it so hard
To stay close
No excuses
For jumping off bridges

Knowing more than I want
Knowing nothing at all
Which is worse?
Being clueless - Being wounded

This heart of protection
How much more can it take
I've lost so much hope
I don't know what's at stake

In My Dreams

I'm never going to be that person
That everyone's drawn to
I'm the one that sits in the corner and waits for you to ask a question
Then my heart is yours

I'm never going to be that person
That you think of first when you want a leader
I'm not the driving force in a group
I'm the one who follows willingly but wishes to be acknowledged

I want to be the one you think of first
I want to be the one you want to get close to, know more about
But I put myself second, why shouldn't you
I wear my heart on my sleeve, what else is there to know

Who am I, if none of these are me
And why do I pine after qualities I do not own
I want to be me, I want to be here
But I want to be more than that, more than me

But I don't feel real - solid
The possibility of breaking apart and evaporating seems inevitable
What is to be done when I'm in this place
When no one is innocent and all of us are lost

When all I want to do is stay in my dreams because
There it doesn't matter
There it's all different
There I am everyone and no one at the same time

At the Core

The fire that glows
Wipes me clean
Leaving nothing but
What can't be seen

I call out to You
Salvation please
Reached out arms
Heart unfreeze

Another day, another test
One more will rip my chest
Sew it together, don't know if I can
Someone else must do it again

Take all the pieces
Every little last one
Giving them all to You
It should - has to be done

You come closer
To enact repair
My heart explodes
Feeling Your care

Only You can help me
Make my heart beat once more
Make it beat for You and You only
Only way possible, for You are its core

I Am

I am not the genius
The one you go to for help with school
The one has always has the answer

I am not miss popular
The one you hang around for
The one the guys wait on

I am not the center of attention
The one yelling the loudest
The one bringing the party

I am not the super athlete
The one who rocks any sport
The one who always wins

I am not the quiet one
The one who only speaks when spoken to
The one keeping her opinion and thoughts inside

I am not the rock
The one holding it all in
The one holding it all

I am afraid of being unwanted
But want everyone

I am the one who wants control
But has none at all

I am outspoken
But don't always say the right thing

I am wanting you to look at me
But don't want you to see my perfection or my imperfection

I am an emotional wreck
But want to hold it in

I am the one you forget
The one you neglect
The one loving you
The one asking for love in return
The one with all the questions
The one without answers
The one trying to understand
The one who won't let go

I am what God made me


Whoever that is

Ghost Pains

Sometimes I feel
Like a part of me was severed
Something I am missing
From a time ago forever

It's a physical ache
And I don't know what to do with it
It doesn't feel right
Something needs to fit

I yearn for a touch
Nonsexual in nature
Comforting, completing
Love that makes me sure

Sure that I am here
You acknowledge my presence
Check my pulse
I don't want to be absent

Where?

Hating this roller coaster
Up, Down, back again
Without control, confused direction
Misunderstanding my own purpose

I am where I'm supposed to Be
Right?

Always questions, hardly answers
Getting sick of all these testers

Forgetting, remembering
Which is which?
Losing, gaining
Sometimes it all seems the same

Moment by moment
I try to think
This is a Blessing
But right now it feels a Curse

Use what you have, what you're given
But nothing is in my hands
And I'm not holding the wheel

Where now, God?
Peak or valley?
Cause I'm standing on the brink
And I can't see the end

So I stand, Lost
Drowning in Frustration
Lorded by Emotion
All I can do is pray that some day this will be better, I will be Better

But, oh, how far
And, oh, what pain
Will suffice before I reach the destination?

I have no right
To ask what You want of me
Father, I am standing here
While trying to move on

A Moment

Down the road
On a journey
Lost in the moment
Lethargic but so aware

In the dark
I see everything
Tingling senses
Time stands still

Remembering the past
Wondering about the future
Relishing the present
Hoping for it all

Those around me
Where will it go?
How far will we go
Together or apart?

Our lives are laid in front of us
All of it in reach
But it all closes down so quickly
We have to move fast

But all I want to do is slow down
Staying forever in this moment
Between freedom and commitment
Between now and then

However, I can't stay here
Time does go on
And as it does, I wonder
Who will get left behind?

can i?

it seemed so easy
i can stay
can't i?

an obligation
a sense of responsibility
was that it?
all it was?

then what is this?
this urge to run
to walk away
to let down

but i feel...
your heart is in my hands
and as i see the black poison spread
there is nothing i can do
but burn in my heart, too

caught in a standstill
a draw
unwilling to give up ground - all we do is lose

choose or choose not
i'm still here
but what does that mean
when it's all falling apart?

if i walk away
what will it do
i'll be that person that gave up
another person that gave up

or am i simply choosing to be okay?
is this the only way I can stay close to my God?
because that is more important
than anything else

it seems easy, then
i can't stay
can i?

This Feeling

There's this feeling
I can't explain
Deep inside
Mostly hidden
Search hard - maybe you'll see it

Because I didn't
For a long time
Wanting more than I have
Searching for something vague
An idea, a memory
A future embodiment

When it's cold
When I'm talkative
When I'm comfortless
When I'm alone
It's not there

What I'm looking for
What I'm missing
What may come along

What may not

I am unprepared
Am I?
Unworthy
Who isn't?

But this feeling
Doesn't go away
Temporarily slaked
Only for the moment
Extending on, unseen - brief

Those moments won't do
I need a lifetime
Lifetime of moments
Side by side
Two into one

So I wait
For this feeling to abide
For my expectations to be met
Or disappointed
For this loneliness
To join another's and become one life in two hearts

What I Need

All I need is God
So I'm told, so I thought
Though very true
We desire something else

A human heart
With human flaws
One like me
Fallen, beautiful mess

I tried building walls
But only found
That once they were up
I truly needed them down

I tried to be an island
But discovered soon
That an island unto itself
Is very deeply doomed

Though God is what I need
And my reason I'm alive
After naming paired creatures
For companion Adam pined

So who am I to change my fate
To say that I can go alone
When Adam in perfection yet
Had God but longed for else?

Walls had to burn
The island desert
Alone, unfriended
I can not live

Every Song

They're everywhere I go
Hitting my ears with each new note
I long to sing a song
That doesn't remind me of you

Hitting far or hitting hard
Doesn't matter with my heart
All it hears are jagged cuts
Stabbing the same old wound

And I wonder when I won't
Hear a song and think of you
Sing a line and connect it to
The walking away of you

Time will move on
Maybe some day so will I
But I know the scar will stay
Eternal reminder of every song

Close to Escape

Wake up
Count down
Do it right
Little left

I can make it
Just a few more days
Till temporary freedom

Off to the horizon
Just on the edge
Close to jumping
Into what I can

I'm so close
I can taste it
I can feel it
Close to escape

You Would Think

After all this pain
And so many tears
You would think
I couldn't get through

Before I returned
To your side or near
You would think
I would have to be blind

Now I want you back
I miss you, dear
You would think
I shouldn't feel that way

My heart is blind
All it sees is you
You would think
I hate you but

I love you

Tolerated

There's this girl i know
Who's up and down
She's ADD and probably
Bi-polar to the ground

She talks of friends
Some lost, some found
Her lack of joy seems too coy
As truthful as they sound

i gave a nickname
i'm not proud about
And if she knew what I told you
She probably would shout

She's one of those people
You don't know if she's real
Is it true, what she's telling you
Or is it just a steal

People talk about her
Who knows who is her friend
With all the lies and secret eyes
Where does the truth begin

i don't want to be
Someone you tolerate
You wave and smile but all the while
You're on a different state

If that's me, please
Don't pity me at all
i know what's wrong: i don't belong
i, differently called

And this girl i know
Who is she really
Behind the tabs and shady jabs
Missing it, are we silly

We stand together
Tolerated, just bare
But if you fall away, i believe i can say
We'll probably be there

Stab Me

SCREAM
whisper
Tell me what I'm doing wrong

The truth hurts
But the icing rips my heart
in pieces

Advice and words
Words and lies
Lies and masks
Masks and me

To be the protector
Is to be strong
To be the protected
Is to be stronger
To want protection
Is to be strongest
But I am weak

Clear-cut cones
Set me my boundaries
Two-toned tongue
Give me praise and cries

Set me right
Or set me wrong
Either way you set me
Set me a song

Sing of my faults
Sing of my lies
Sing of my misuses
Of which my heart justly dies

Don't tell me that it's over
Don't tell me what I want to hear
Don't tell me what you think will staunch
This blood pool I am, so dear

Tell me who I am
Tell me when I'm wrong
Tell me what you know is right
Sing me my true song

Mixed

Surrounded again
Mixes my emotions
Happy - Sad
........anxious

Was this place destined?
Or self-imposed?
Sometimes one
Sometimes another

Mixed faces
Mixed reactions
Mixed longings
Same apprehension

I don't know what will happen
Can't decide for good or bad
All I can do is try my best
And give it all I have

I have nothing to give
But what God has given me
Even that confuses and frustrates
Because I'm human; because I'm me

New Year, New Me (Supposedly)

Starting a new year
But some things never change
Things torn apart - still torn apart

Maybe there will be healing
Maybe there will be forgiveness
Maybe there will be renewance
Maybe there will be friendship - again

There will be new people
There will be new problems
There will be new blessings
There will be new changes

Oh, where to start
But more: Where to finish
Where am I headed
Where am I to be

I need to change
I need to forgive
I need to bless
I need to wait

With all these things
And all these changes
What I need most
Is some God-guidance