At the Core

The fire that glows
Wipes me clean
Leaving nothing but
What can't be seen

I call out to You
Salvation please
Reached out arms
Heart unfreeze

Another day, another test
One more will rip my chest
Sew it together, don't know if I can
Someone else must do it again

Take all the pieces
Every little last one
Giving them all to You
It should - has to be done

You come closer
To enact repair
My heart explodes
Feeling Your care

Only You can help me
Make my heart beat once more
Make it beat for You and You only
Only way possible, for You are its core

I Am

I am not the genius
The one you go to for help with school
The one has always has the answer

I am not miss popular
The one you hang around for
The one the guys wait on

I am not the center of attention
The one yelling the loudest
The one bringing the party

I am not the super athlete
The one who rocks any sport
The one who always wins

I am not the quiet one
The one who only speaks when spoken to
The one keeping her opinion and thoughts inside

I am not the rock
The one holding it all in
The one holding it all

I am afraid of being unwanted
But want everyone

I am the one who wants control
But has none at all

I am outspoken
But don't always say the right thing

I am wanting you to look at me
But don't want you to see my perfection or my imperfection

I am an emotional wreck
But want to hold it in

I am the one you forget
The one you neglect
The one loving you
The one asking for love in return
The one with all the questions
The one without answers
The one trying to understand
The one who won't let go

I am what God made me


Whoever that is

Ghost Pains

Sometimes I feel
Like a part of me was severed
Something I am missing
From a time ago forever

It's a physical ache
And I don't know what to do with it
It doesn't feel right
Something needs to fit

I yearn for a touch
Nonsexual in nature
Comforting, completing
Love that makes me sure

Sure that I am here
You acknowledge my presence
Check my pulse
I don't want to be absent

Where?

Hating this roller coaster
Up, Down, back again
Without control, confused direction
Misunderstanding my own purpose

I am where I'm supposed to Be
Right?

Always questions, hardly answers
Getting sick of all these testers

Forgetting, remembering
Which is which?
Losing, gaining
Sometimes it all seems the same

Moment by moment
I try to think
This is a Blessing
But right now it feels a Curse

Use what you have, what you're given
But nothing is in my hands
And I'm not holding the wheel

Where now, God?
Peak or valley?
Cause I'm standing on the brink
And I can't see the end

So I stand, Lost
Drowning in Frustration
Lorded by Emotion
All I can do is pray that some day this will be better, I will be Better

But, oh, how far
And, oh, what pain
Will suffice before I reach the destination?

I have no right
To ask what You want of me
Father, I am standing here
While trying to move on

A Moment

Down the road
On a journey
Lost in the moment
Lethargic but so aware

In the dark
I see everything
Tingling senses
Time stands still

Remembering the past
Wondering about the future
Relishing the present
Hoping for it all

Those around me
Where will it go?
How far will we go
Together or apart?

Our lives are laid in front of us
All of it in reach
But it all closes down so quickly
We have to move fast

But all I want to do is slow down
Staying forever in this moment
Between freedom and commitment
Between now and then

However, I can't stay here
Time does go on
And as it does, I wonder
Who will get left behind?

can i?

it seemed so easy
i can stay
can't i?

an obligation
a sense of responsibility
was that it?
all it was?

then what is this?
this urge to run
to walk away
to let down

but i feel...
your heart is in my hands
and as i see the black poison spread
there is nothing i can do
but burn in my heart, too

caught in a standstill
a draw
unwilling to give up ground - all we do is lose

choose or choose not
i'm still here
but what does that mean
when it's all falling apart?

if i walk away
what will it do
i'll be that person that gave up
another person that gave up

or am i simply choosing to be okay?
is this the only way I can stay close to my God?
because that is more important
than anything else

it seems easy, then
i can't stay
can i?

This Feeling

There's this feeling
I can't explain
Deep inside
Mostly hidden
Search hard - maybe you'll see it

Because I didn't
For a long time
Wanting more than I have
Searching for something vague
An idea, a memory
A future embodiment

When it's cold
When I'm talkative
When I'm comfortless
When I'm alone
It's not there

What I'm looking for
What I'm missing
What may come along

What may not

I am unprepared
Am I?
Unworthy
Who isn't?

But this feeling
Doesn't go away
Temporarily slaked
Only for the moment
Extending on, unseen - brief

Those moments won't do
I need a lifetime
Lifetime of moments
Side by side
Two into one

So I wait
For this feeling to abide
For my expectations to be met
Or disappointed
For this loneliness
To join another's and become one life in two hearts