No Escape

No end with new beginnings
Same face in new dreams
No words to bring you back
Same failings in this war

Stretched out hand - rejected
Faithful love - deflected
I would give you all I had
If I thought you would take it

Sides to choose, battles to lose
Fight on my side or don't fight at all
I've tried to stay steady, hopeful, and true
But each battle lost rips the old scars anew

Loose me! I demand
But what can you do
When all that I am
Is so caught up in you

I'm not letting go
It appears that I can't
Slowly and surely
Damn this decant

Night Visions

Night visions survive the day

And I wonder if it's how it should stay

I know better, I want more

But when it's in my dreams I'm unsure

This feeling that lingers

I want it to keep

Keep me wishing, hoping

But there's nothing there

Nothing real

What could it mean?

Outrageous fantasy...

Or secret desire?

Scenes not to be repeated

Remember how quickly they have fleeted

How I will run away

When night visions penetrate the day

College

Many smiles, many laughs

And a hundred tears cried for each

Lots of friends, lots of love

And two losses for every three gained

What is to be said

To all I'll leave behind

When I say goodbye

Who will be mourning by my side

Take the good with the bad

Don't worry, I will

But every good I see

Is overshadowed by bad possibilities

Fear has become ingrained 

You all have me trained

To see loss in what I gained

My heart is purely pained

Is it okay that I believe

Despite all your declarations

Disregarding your claims

These are the worst four years of my life

Continuing Fear

It won't stop

This subconscious awareness

Of what it could be

Of what they could say

Of what I could be seen as

I push you away

Because the memory is fresh

Will it always be?

I say it will

I am caught in a cage

With only one window

The only view -

The never-sleeping eye 

Of humanity

Walking away

Seems so easy now

I guess I've had plenty of practice

If I don't know where it started, how will it ever end?

Turn my back again

Knowing that you care

This intimacy you desire

Is something I won't dare

I Am Waiting

I am waiting

For the man I don't have to think about

The one who doesn't have to be pointed out

The one who doesn't make me fear and doubt

I am waiting

For the man I don't hide tears from

The one who doesn't find emotions fearsome

The one who doesn't have to be asked to come

I am waiting

For the man I don't hesitate to give my heart to

The one who doesn't demand but simply asks for truth

The one who doesn't forget what we've been through

I've waited a while, and will wait longer still

Whatever it takes, I will be patient until

God sends me this man, just the one for me

I wait, knowing he will be true to me

Dancing On Glass

I see what's happened before
Constantly flashing through my brain
Leaves me feeling...anxious...worried
Maybe I'm doing it again

Can't mess up, holding so tight
To what I know is to be given
But I have to be careful, have to stand back
Don't I?

Afraid to dive in, jump without looking
I look and can't see the bottom
Where does this even start?
Driving without lines, running without paths

Is this what it means
To have you search for my heart
My main concern is that
You'll be helping me find it

Comedy or Tragedy?

A pessimistic heart
Looking for joy
When surrounded by misery
Seems so futile

All I see is pain
All I've felt is hurt
Sometimes all the bad
Drowns out all the good

Bitterness lies deep
And it grows even deeper
Tears unstaunched
What keeps me here

Cling to memory
Memory of hope
In Salvation
In God alone

To fight for joy
Appears the only path
Counting myself a warrior
Beating Satan back

Although it was given
I couldn't deserve it less
Joy in life all around
Before rejected, despair embraced

Becase it's easier
To hold onto tears
Follow their path
Taste their fear

A smile, it fleets
Somehow gaseous
Without taste or smell
Only special people see

Joy and sadness
Inevitably intertwined
Ultimately I believe
Both are divine