Exhaustion and Running Away

I have nothing left
To keep me going - to keep me sane
All that has a hold on me
Is easy to let go

I'm here but not - tired and fraught
My mind constantly elsewhere
So much apathy
Turned the tables

Who I've been hates who I am
And who I am doesn't want this
My eyes drift
Searching for what I'm missing

I have no faith in you
You've all let me down
I've no faith in myself
I've let you all down

Pressure - too much
Staying - too hard
Myself - too weak
To hold on for long

I am not a good friend
I finally admit
So when you leave me
Know that I expected it

About Reaching Out

Always this distance
Sometimes a bridge
I can't choose to cross
And I've got no help deciding

You walk right by
With the weight of your choice
As I sit here and wonder
If you feel it like I do

And it's always the same
Another person I can't touch
Another reason to back away
Fear - Disbelief - Past - Present

Isolated surrounded
Everyone feels it sometimes
Mine seems eternal
I am fully dedicated to it

Can't break out
Don't reach out
Another pain awaits
Stretching my heart again

Every scar, every tear
Comes with a lesson
And I don't care to try again
I've found that I don't have the strength to

So Young, So Old

Years go by, I watch them pass
And wonder silently when the parade will end
I'm old enough to know the time will come
But young enough to forget

Not an adult, not ready for responsibility
But with the weight of the world on my shoulders
A burden I take subconsciously, determinedly
Knowing I can't fulfill what my heart desires

There is so much I have learned
So much more yet to learn
About the nature of humanity
About who I am, who God wants me to be

Sometimes I feel my age weighing me down
Then feel the years ahead me, so scary - unknown
Too much to handle, the scars of the present
And the vast, unsure, painful, and happy future

Your Manual

So much information
No one knows
Only me, and I don't let it show

When I cry, I can't talk
Just hold me tight
Wait it out, and I'll be alright

I'm pessimistic
With a tendency to sink
Listen to my fears, and tell me what you think

I can't stand hidden truths
Nor outright lies
Give me truth every time, and mistrust within me dies

I'm worried I'm too much to handle
Cause I don't understand myself
Let me know you think I'm worth it, and I'll give you all of myself

I'm over and melodramatic
I make it more than it is
Bring my feet to the ground, and remind me this is what is

I've no self-discipline
I can be lazy as hell
But give me something I love, and I'll always do it well

I have a past that haunts me
Controls what I do
Help me break free, and there's no stopping you

There's so much more
I wish I could tell you
To help you along, and me not scare away you

But I think I want you to figure out
All these things on your own
For things discovered hold power, and you need power over your own

Waiting

Then he's gone
Another one dropped from radar
A valid reason, not the season
No matter what I would like to believe

I get so tired
Of being disappointed
Of being passed over
Of being alone

The day I stop waiting
Will be the day he rides up on a white horse
So I wait for that day
The Catch-22 of waiting

I don't know what it means
When they fall through
Is it something with me
Or all to do with You?

I'm looking for a physical manifestation of the love You have for me
Is that not how it is to be?

He should sweep me off my feet
hold me like his life depends on it
look at me with fire in his eyes
understand all that I never say
push me to do better
know that sometimes I don't know why I cry
see all that is good and bad within me
love me despite my flaws and maybe sometimes because of them
talk to me like there's no one else in the room
lead me in walking with our God
be unafraid to tell me what I need to hear
remind me that there is more to this life than disappointment, heartache, regret, and hatred

I believe it's worth waiting for

Wordless Joy

This is why I'm here
This happiness, this joy
When it doesn't make sense
But it's okay with me

And it's funny how it changes
So quickly, so fast
I'm almost reeling
From the all-consuming blast

From despair to ecstasy
So deep, then so high
Words come easy for the first
But seem to slip away for the new

What is the reason for joy being so
So indescribable, so beyond words
Even though sadness elevates appreciation
Joy surprises and leaves me speechless

Shower Tears

Crying in the shower
Makes me feel
Like my tears are weightless
It lessens the pain of release

My strangled voice
Groaned and pleaded
Begging God for it to be a lie
Untrue revelation

When my world crashed
It fell on me in a thousand drops
Strangely soothing
But still heartbreaking

But you won't see it
This burden, this realized fear
I tried to let it go
Along with the dead, down the drain