Let Me

What do you think?
I'm backing out
Can't take the pressure
No working hard for me

Like it's easy to just switch
I'm not thinking about every aspect
I just want an easier path
I just want to get done

Do you not realize?
Every day I worry
Am I doing the right thing?
What if I'm wrong?

Every minute I sit in torture
Wondering if I am being weak
By trying to get away
By doing something different

I was wrong before
What makes me think I'm not this time
Nothing
Nothing at all

There is every possibility
That I've screwed up again
But let me do it
Let me make this maybe mistake

Don't think I haven't thought
Don't think I haven't freaked out constantly
That I'm just jumping away and in
That I have no clue

Because maybe I don't
But I'm trying to figure it out
Please! Let me do this
If I am screwing up my life

Just let me

But I know you care
You just don't always show it
The way I want you to
The way I see it

You have to trust me
Because I don't trust myself
And someone needs to
If I'm going to survive

Your mind is set
But so is mine
Please listen
Let me speak my piece

Because maybe I'm right
This path I'm on is not for me
Another is my destiny
But it's something I can't see

I'm trusting in God
To pull me through whatever
So please trust in me
Let me do whatever

Back to the Beginning

When I don't know what to write
Shall I write what I don't know?
Or maybe that which bothers me most
Even the future seems possible

As to that of which I do not know
It is what rattles me deep
For I know nothing of the future
Therefore all connected are they

But what does it mean to know
Cause it all seems so shaky
When the future doesn't look all clear
And the path is never straight
Makes it hard to see ahead
Always looking around a curve

But thank God I have Someone steady
Someone pure and true
Someone who knows it all
And gives of what is needed

Someone who doesn't hesitate
To tell me when I'm wrong
Someone who wants to set me straight
When I tend to lose my way

Someone who won't walk away
And waits for me when I do
Thinking of everyone - they've all let me down
I thank You, Lord, that I have You

What Is At Stake

I don't understand
Where did the beginning go
And why does it always end so badly?

I was there once
Full trust is -
Open chest, cut here
Disappointment reigns

You want me to think the best
But I've been proven too many times wrong
I want to believe you
But you didn't give me the benefit of the doubt
So I doubt

Is it so hard
To stay close
No excuses
For jumping off bridges

Knowing more than I want
Knowing nothing at all
Which is worse?
Being clueless - Being wounded

This heart of protection
How much more can it take
I've lost so much hope
I don't know what's at stake

In My Dreams

I'm never going to be that person
That everyone's drawn to
I'm the one that sits in the corner and waits for you to ask a question
Then my heart is yours

I'm never going to be that person
That you think of first when you want a leader
I'm not the driving force in a group
I'm the one who follows willingly but wishes to be acknowledged

I want to be the one you think of first
I want to be the one you want to get close to, know more about
But I put myself second, why shouldn't you
I wear my heart on my sleeve, what else is there to know

Who am I, if none of these are me
And why do I pine after qualities I do not own
I want to be me, I want to be here
But I want to be more than that, more than me

But I don't feel real - solid
The possibility of breaking apart and evaporating seems inevitable
What is to be done when I'm in this place
When no one is innocent and all of us are lost

When all I want to do is stay in my dreams because
There it doesn't matter
There it's all different
There I am everyone and no one at the same time

At the Core

The fire that glows
Wipes me clean
Leaving nothing but
What can't be seen

I call out to You
Salvation please
Reached out arms
Heart unfreeze

Another day, another test
One more will rip my chest
Sew it together, don't know if I can
Someone else must do it again

Take all the pieces
Every little last one
Giving them all to You
It should - has to be done

You come closer
To enact repair
My heart explodes
Feeling Your care

Only You can help me
Make my heart beat once more
Make it beat for You and You only
Only way possible, for You are its core

I Am

I am not the genius
The one you go to for help with school
The one has always has the answer

I am not miss popular
The one you hang around for
The one the guys wait on

I am not the center of attention
The one yelling the loudest
The one bringing the party

I am not the super athlete
The one who rocks any sport
The one who always wins

I am not the quiet one
The one who only speaks when spoken to
The one keeping her opinion and thoughts inside

I am not the rock
The one holding it all in
The one holding it all

I am afraid of being unwanted
But want everyone

I am the one who wants control
But has none at all

I am outspoken
But don't always say the right thing

I am wanting you to look at me
But don't want you to see my perfection or my imperfection

I am an emotional wreck
But want to hold it in

I am the one you forget
The one you neglect
The one loving you
The one asking for love in return
The one with all the questions
The one without answers
The one trying to understand
The one who won't let go

I am what God made me


Whoever that is

Ghost Pains

Sometimes I feel
Like a part of me was severed
Something I am missing
From a time ago forever

It's a physical ache
And I don't know what to do with it
It doesn't feel right
Something needs to fit

I yearn for a touch
Nonsexual in nature
Comforting, completing
Love that makes me sure

Sure that I am here
You acknowledge my presence
Check my pulse
I don't want to be absent